So why blog about it?

Yesterday I posted about fears and my revelation that I could pray for help with them. What does my desire to practice "PUSHing" (Praying Until Something Happens) have to do with publishing a blog? Isn't prayer a personal, quiet thing? Why would I want to share this "experiment" with the world?  There are a few reasons I'm doing this publicly:

• I see this blog akin to trapping a claustrophobic ophidiophobe in a closet full of snakes. Face your fears! Terrified to share writing you care about with the world? Go ahead and do it on a regular basis in your blog.
• For a couple of years now, I've considered blogging about spirituality and religion. I'm interested in where different (even disparate) religions, philosophies, and moral codes intersect. I've wanted to have a conversation about what it means to believe in God while living in our current society.
• I want to spread awareness about prayer and spirituality. As I said in my first post, I'm concerned that many people, in rejecting organized religion, reject their spiritual sides. Why does it have to be all-or-nothing?

The physical sensations I wrote about in yesterday's post are back today. My heart, with its heavy beats, demands attention and distracts from my ideas. I pause my typing to attempt to rub out the creepy-crawly sensation in my arms, hands, and fingers (I think this must be what Restless Leg Syndrome feels like, only in your legs and feet instead of your arms and hands). I was doing fine when I wrote the first paragraph, but somewhere during the bullet list I realized that once I publish my post anyone could happen upon it and read it. To borrow from Scooby Doo's Shaggy: "Yowsers!"

Please, God, give me the courage to click the "Publish Post button." (But don't feel you have to help anyone find this here blog, floatin' about in cyberspace. . .these words are happy to be ignored.)

Why am I doing this?

Look at the date of my first post.

Now look at the date of this post.  I've been so nervous about putting my ideas out there, for anyone to read, that it took a month for me to write and publish this second post.

'Nuff said.

Seriously, though, I've had quite a few internal demons hold me back in my life, particularly as a writer: perfectionism; lack of focus; fear of failure; fear of success. . .

I've known since elementary school that I wanted to be a writer. My graduate degree is in fiction writing and literature; my professional resume includes a technical writing stint; my volunteer work often puts my writing talents to use. I've put off my dream of being a committed writer, first so that I could work in the corporate world and earn an income (helpful for paying off grad school loans and becoming a home owner), then so I could focus on being home with my children. My youngest is in half-day kindergarten and I'm feeling more and more of a pull to write. I also have some friends and family who have dealt with life-altering events and I'm more aware than ever that each day is a gift. I cannot keep putting off my writing (or, rather, I can keep delaying, but there's no guarantee that I have unlimited years waiting).

In the past 10 years, I've learned to "just do it," to face the blank page (er, screen) and type. This helps me push through my perfectionism and lack of focus; however, I'm finding that my "just do it" approach is no match for my fears. As I commit to living a life as a full-time writer--of giving my writing the time and energy it deserves--the fears paralyze me. The paralysis begins at my diaphram. Deep breaths feel impossible and I'm aware of my heart's beating. Vibrations from my heart's beats travel over my shoulders, down my arms, and settle into my hands as they hover in starting position over the keyboard.  My fingers feel restless, nearly "creepy-crawly" and I must pull them away from the keyboard, hug them to my chest, and clasps them, allowing my entwined fingers to massage each other. It's phsycially uncomfortable to sit and feel the physical manifestation of my fear.

Over the years, I've had contact with people working different 12-step programs and one of the sayings mentioned that stayed with me was "PUSH--Pray Until Something Happens." In the past couple of months, I've found myself thinking, "What if? What if I wrote just a page or two a day? What if?" Sitting in fear, failing to push through it, the PUSH slogan came to me. Could prayer help me push through my fear-induced writer's block? What if I prayed about my fear, every day? What then?

With this blog, I hope to chronicle my progress (or not) in writing and praying. I also hope to address bigger issues, such as spirituality and how it fits (or doesn't) with a modern life in a Democratic and free-market society.