Excuses, excuses

It's been too long since I posted to this blog. I placed blogging on the back burner as I dealt with our family crisis, finishing the school year (kids), and starting a new batch of workshops (me). As is my pattern, I was slow to return to blogging after falling out of habit. I could have easily fit in a couple of messages in the past month, but did not.  Like a true pot simmering, my mind overflowed with thoughts and ideas fit for posting; somehow I lacked whatever was needed to move from thinking to doing.

I also failed to take spiritual actions to center myself. Outside of church and the typical outward-centered prayers for others, I did not pray. I kinda sorta meditated while helping another person learn how, but I never made time to fully meditate on my own. Gee. . .same old (in)action, same results. Baffling how that happens, isn't it? 

This message is not about making excuses. Rather, it's about reviewing the past two months and recommitting to changing old patterns. (At least this time when I was silent, it was due to inactivity rather than writer's block.)





Here's what I have learned:

• When the kids' routines change, I put myself last
• Work, while important because of the paycheck, should not usurp writing in my life
• Saving time for writing, later in the day, seldom works for me
• It takes nearly twice as long to develop a routine and writing habits as it does to fall out of said routine and habits

Going forward, I must remind myself of these issues and PUSH through them. I've shown myself, repeatedly, that I do not overcome the blocks in my life unless I pray and meditate. When I do these things, everything else seems to fall into place.

Pish posh pash push

What's with this "Pish posh pash push" title? It's true I'm a fan of alliteration, but I promise the title of this post is about more than that poppin' p sound.

I've not done much writing lately (other than posts on Facebook and assorted message boards). The obvious scapegoats are my two children, who have been home on spring break this past week. While I am, admittedly, slow to adjust to changes in my routine, I cannot place all of the blame on vacation week. I've managed to teach/write/blog with my children home at other times.

As usual, I'm the one to blame for my own failings.

To quote Led Zeppelin, it's nobody's fault but mine.  (Hey, that song rocks. Let's digress and enjoy some of Bonzo's beats:
Nobody's Fault But Mine )



Seriously, though, earlier this week, I was on top of the world. The week stretched ahead of me, open to many possibilities. Twice, I awoke and remembered to pray before leaving bed: Help me write, God; help me stay present. At first, it seemed to work. After praying Tuesday morning I was able to blog that night (ErNoWriMo and the anchor of prayer). I was on a roll! Except. . .I wasn't, really.

Two days have passed and I haven't had any desire to work on my novel. I've been trying to convince myself that since May is Erica Novel Writing Month, I don't have to work on it during April. (Yes, I am rolling my eyes at myself.) I haven't even been willing to open my novel and stare at the screen. What gives, God? I prayed on two days. Let's get down to business. Make me willing, ready, and able!

It seems I forgot what PUSH stands for: Pray Until Something Happens. It's not PASH--Pray And Something Happens. There's no immediate cause and effect here: flip the switch and the light turns on; press the button and a buzzer sounds. Rather, the PUSH acronym is all about build up, accumulation, small actions leading to larger ones: bake until done; drive until you see the gas station; study until you learn the formulas; pray until something happens.

It is with a gentle "pish posh!" that I reprimand myself for expecting more progress without putting in more work.  How slow I am to learn matters of the spirit! Why, just on Tuesday, I wrote about prayer anchoring me in humility. Humility? Pish posh! It appears after I clicked "post" on Tuesday, I forgot all about the time and dedication it takes to develop any kind of practice (be it yoga, writing, or prayer). Let's hope this lesson--PUSH, not PASH--stays with me long after I click "post."

ErNoWriMo and the anchor of prayer

No, that's not a typo in the title of this post. You have perhaps heard of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). NaNoWriMo is an event held each November during which would-be novelists attempt the insane task of writing a draft of a novel in 30 days. (Click here to learn more about NaNoWriMo.) I've decided the next 30 days will be ErNoWriMo: Erica Novel Writing Month. There's nothing national about it--it's just me (and my cat, Mittens), here at my desk trying to make progress on my novel. 

Mittens says, "You no has plot."

I don't even need to complete a draft in 30 days; I'll save that insanity for November, thankyouverymuch. I simply want to have a chunk of my book written before I begin teaching again at the end of next month. By chunk, I mean that a hard copy, double spaced and single sided, would take both my hands to hold. Notice I say "my hands" because I have very small hands (so we're talking, what? 50? 100 pages?).

Not quite that small. . .

What does ErNoWriMo have to do with PUSH? In the past, I've needed the pressure of outside deadlines to help me focus my mind. Self-imposed deadlines don't work quite as well for me. . .when I know that no one else is waiting for my work, it's hard to sit and write. In the May 2012 issue of Yoga Journal, there's a section about author Ann Patchett and her yoga practice. Patchett describes the connection between yoga and writing like this:

It's about being able to sit in a chair all day. It's about being able to stay with one thought for hours at a time and yet have peace of mind. Yoga is a balm to antsiness. And antsiness is the foe of writing a novel. (as cited in Sexton, 2012, p. 100)

Yoga isn't praying, not exactly, but I find prayer and yoga work in similar ways. They ground me in my day. As yoga anchors my body in the moment, so does prayer anchor my mind. Prayer keeps me humble.

Don't confuse humility--the state of being humble--with humiliation. The latter is forced on us from the outside in order to degrade us; the former can only come from within us and is achieved when we're honest about our strengths and weaknesses. When I write from a place of humility, I recognize that my writing is a gift. I acknowledge not everyone carries stories and poems in their minds. I accept that I am not the best (or even one of the best) writers of my time and I do not feel ashamed by this. Uninhibited by fear (what if people do not like what I've written?!), typing my words feels nearly as effortless as breathing.

Later in the Yoga Journal piece, Pratchett shares about "coping with criticism":

Having a practice that helps you maintain a strong connection to who you actually are is essential to the creative life. Otherwise, you can lose your mind from the criticism and, for that matter, the praise, which can be equally damaging because it doesn't create a clear picture of who you are. You can't control what other people think about your art. . .Yoga and meditation can help. (as cited in Sexton, 2012, p. 100)

And prayer. Prayer is how I "maintain a strong connection" to my true, humble self.


Reference

Sexton, S. (2012, May). Express yourself. Yoga Journal, 246, 96-101.

So why blog about it?

Yesterday I posted about fears and my revelation that I could pray for help with them. What does my desire to practice "PUSHing" (Praying Until Something Happens) have to do with publishing a blog? Isn't prayer a personal, quiet thing? Why would I want to share this "experiment" with the world?  There are a few reasons I'm doing this publicly:

• I see this blog akin to trapping a claustrophobic ophidiophobe in a closet full of snakes. Face your fears! Terrified to share writing you care about with the world? Go ahead and do it on a regular basis in your blog.
• For a couple of years now, I've considered blogging about spirituality and religion. I'm interested in where different (even disparate) religions, philosophies, and moral codes intersect. I've wanted to have a conversation about what it means to believe in God while living in our current society.
• I want to spread awareness about prayer and spirituality. As I said in my first post, I'm concerned that many people, in rejecting organized religion, reject their spiritual sides. Why does it have to be all-or-nothing?

The physical sensations I wrote about in yesterday's post are back today. My heart, with its heavy beats, demands attention and distracts from my ideas. I pause my typing to attempt to rub out the creepy-crawly sensation in my arms, hands, and fingers (I think this must be what Restless Leg Syndrome feels like, only in your legs and feet instead of your arms and hands). I was doing fine when I wrote the first paragraph, but somewhere during the bullet list I realized that once I publish my post anyone could happen upon it and read it. To borrow from Scooby Doo's Shaggy: "Yowsers!"

Please, God, give me the courage to click the "Publish Post button." (But don't feel you have to help anyone find this here blog, floatin' about in cyberspace. . .these words are happy to be ignored.)

Why am I doing this?

Look at the date of my first post.

Now look at the date of this post.  I've been so nervous about putting my ideas out there, for anyone to read, that it took a month for me to write and publish this second post.

'Nuff said.

Seriously, though, I've had quite a few internal demons hold me back in my life, particularly as a writer: perfectionism; lack of focus; fear of failure; fear of success. . .

I've known since elementary school that I wanted to be a writer. My graduate degree is in fiction writing and literature; my professional resume includes a technical writing stint; my volunteer work often puts my writing talents to use. I've put off my dream of being a committed writer, first so that I could work in the corporate world and earn an income (helpful for paying off grad school loans and becoming a home owner), then so I could focus on being home with my children. My youngest is in half-day kindergarten and I'm feeling more and more of a pull to write. I also have some friends and family who have dealt with life-altering events and I'm more aware than ever that each day is a gift. I cannot keep putting off my writing (or, rather, I can keep delaying, but there's no guarantee that I have unlimited years waiting).

In the past 10 years, I've learned to "just do it," to face the blank page (er, screen) and type. This helps me push through my perfectionism and lack of focus; however, I'm finding that my "just do it" approach is no match for my fears. As I commit to living a life as a full-time writer--of giving my writing the time and energy it deserves--the fears paralyze me. The paralysis begins at my diaphram. Deep breaths feel impossible and I'm aware of my heart's beating. Vibrations from my heart's beats travel over my shoulders, down my arms, and settle into my hands as they hover in starting position over the keyboard.  My fingers feel restless, nearly "creepy-crawly" and I must pull them away from the keyboard, hug them to my chest, and clasps them, allowing my entwined fingers to massage each other. It's phsycially uncomfortable to sit and feel the physical manifestation of my fear.

Over the years, I've had contact with people working different 12-step programs and one of the sayings mentioned that stayed with me was "PUSH--Pray Until Something Happens." In the past couple of months, I've found myself thinking, "What if? What if I wrote just a page or two a day? What if?" Sitting in fear, failing to push through it, the PUSH slogan came to me. Could prayer help me push through my fear-induced writer's block? What if I prayed about my fear, every day? What then?

With this blog, I hope to chronicle my progress (or not) in writing and praying. I also hope to address bigger issues, such as spirituality and how it fits (or doesn't) with a modern life in a Democratic and free-market society.