God thoughts on a good day

Allow me to set the mood with a little music: It's a Beautiful Morning  (Go ahead and let that play in the background while you read today's post.)

As I posted in late April (Ernowrimo and the anchor of prayer), I had great plans for May. A month off from teaching! The kids still in school! Lots of quiet, alone time to work on my book!  May was going to be Erica Novel Writing Month! It seems, however, that God had other plans for me; to quote the title of Julia Sweeny's memoir, "God said, Ha!"

In my most recent post, I'm not dead yet, I wrote about finding acceptance in the midst of a family crisis. I have no doubt that if I'd not come to accept the current problem affecting our lives, I would not be feeling quite so cheerful this morning.

The rainy week has passed into a sunny Saturday, leaving behind thick grass (and weeds!), trees nearly in full leaf, and my bleeding hearts, pansies, and creeping phlox in full bloom. 

Now that I have some calm and perspective about everything, I can see that under the flow of anxiety over my child, there was a smaller current of disappointment and frustration. I was supposed to be writing, darn it! I wasn't supposed to spend all of my "free," non-teaching time scrambling to find resources. May was supposed to be about my novel and making good progress on it before my next set of workshops and the start of the kids' summer vacation.

This morning, this very good morning, my mind clears as does the sky. Having May off wasn't about having time to write; it was about having time to mother when my child most needed me. I could be completely present for her and not have to hold any emotional energy in reserve for my students. What a gift! I know some amazing parents who work full time and manage serious issues for their children. I tip my hat to them. I know they are simply doing what needs to be done and if faced with full time work and a family issue I would as well. I'm beyond lucky that my child's crisis happened during my free time. Such serendipity! How can I rail against my lack of writing time when that time is spent, instead, being with my child?

Today is a good day. Yes, the sun is shining and the sweet smell of cut grass pleases me as I type, but the best part of today is my heart beating steady with acceptance, feeling gratitude for what is instead of frustration at what isn't.

Now, please excuse me as I end this post. I think I'll follow the Rascal's advice and go outside to take in some clean, fresh air. I'm already smiling.

Progress report

The good:

• I've written consistently this week (an article for the church newsletter, in my journal before bed, and my posts here) 
• Last night and this morning I included myself and my writing in my prayers
• Researched a bit more for my novel
• Walked once yesterday and twice today
• Today is day 5 of no refined sugar

The bad:

• Didn't write one word in my novel

The ugly:

What is this thing?!?
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Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. Here's a cute picture to take with you.

The cute:

Sleepy Kittens. All together now: Awwwwwww!

PUSHing through sadness

A confession: I spent the last hour playing around on Facebook instead of writing this post. Bejeweled Blitz, Solitaire Blitz, Hidden Chronicles, Slingo. . .my heart is heavy and words feel too hard to pull together tonight.

It's one of those days when the world seems particularly bad. The news is full of many bad things today, and many of them happened here in my small state. The biggest news is the death (murder) of Greenland, NH Chief of Police Michael Maloney. Five police officers shot last night (with Officer Maloney receiving lethal injuries). The suspect, Cullen Mutrie, his ex-girlfriend, Brittany Tibbetts, are dead--murder/suicide? Double suicide? It was a horrific act of violence that has shaken the state.

A few hours north of Greenfield in Dalton, another shooting on the same day. Christopher Smith shot two men (one of whom survived) and them killed himself.

Then, this morning, a 9 year old child is shot in the head in Hollis, NH. Thankfully, this child is alive and will hopefully recovery fully. No word yet on how this shooting happened.

Beyond the New Hampshire borders, the news isn't much brighter: in OH, a man shoot his estranged wife and two daughters (in the middle of a Cracker Barrel restaurant). The wife and one daughter are dead. The man was killed by police when he failed to surrender. In AK, two Coast Guard members were murdered.

With the possible exception of the child in Hollis, none of these shootings (murders) were accidental. It's enough to make me want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

But.

There's always good to balance the bad. Today I enjoyed the bright sun. I had fun picking out supplies for my garden. My children (and spouse) had fun setting up our new tent in the backyard. I walked the dogs and cuddled with one of the cats. Enjoyment tinged with sadness, and even a bit of guilt. Why was I enjoying the lovely spring day while Michael Maloney's family cried and grieved? He was 8 days away from retirement. Once again, the world reminds me that nothing is certain. Life (or death) will not wait for me to write the books and stories churning in my mind. 

It would have been very easy to skip writing this post. I made myself close Facebook, but I did not leave my desk or turn off the computer. I didn't even close my eyes or clasp my hands. I did, however, say, "Please God. Help me do this" under my breath. Do I believe that God stopped doing all that God does in order to fill me with willingness? No, not quite. Honestly, I don't think that God answers individual prayers in that way (at least not on a regular basis).

I'll save my thoughts about how praying works for another post, perhaps tomorrow or the day after. Right now, it's enough that I've written this much. It's enough that I'm alive and grateful, listening to my husband read to our two children as they drift to sleep.

Rest in peace, Chief Michael Maloney.

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